A Million Thoughts

Today was another doctor visit, which I should be use to by now, but for the past few weeks I have been so stressed out about this visit. I knew the doctor and I were going over the test results from my function test. Every thought possible has been running through my head and I have been so confused. Well I lost over 63% function in my upper extremities and my lower extremities are not as bad. All I wanted to do was cry when I left the office to head home but I had so many thoughts an emotions rush over me at once I couldn’t do anything or feel anything.

Once I got home I began to feel anger, not understanding why this has happened and how other people have managed to live a life with this horrible disease. Of course my boyfriend does not understand one bit about all the emotions and feelings I have to manage daily. I was being short with him and it wasn’t out of anger towards him but with my whole situation and all he could say was, “You need to watch your attitude it is getting old.” How is that suppose to make me feel? So from anger to then hurt it was like a light switch.

Why can he not understand? How can he not put himself in my shoes? It makes it so hard to control all the thoughts rushing through me and how to deal with each one. I take “happy pills” or depression medication but nothing seems to be helping. I know I should go talk to someone but how can someone who doesn’t have to go through what I have to go through clearly understand? Sometimes I feel like these million emotions that I try to deal with every day makes it so difficult to function and live my life the way I wish I could live. How many other people feel this way? How do they manage it?

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