A Pitty Party

Some people think they deserve a pitty party all the time. It gets very aggravating and makes you not want to be around that person. Do you feel sorry for that person? Maybe, with particular situations yes but at the same time if it is a situation they put themselves into no. It is sometimes hard to judge what you should really do but it is best sometimes to walk away from the situation so you do not explode; so to say.

I have a best friend who I love. We have been friends over 20 years and we are always there for each other but she got herself in a position that is no bodies fault but hers. Her mother and I helped her out of situations over and over to the point she would just use us whenever she was mad at her boyfriend. She continued to go back to him over and over; honestly I do not have time for all of that. I have been out of high school for years now and I have plenty of other prioritizes in my life to deal with. We both agreed that if she wants to continue on that same path then why do we continue to pitty her and give her sympathy.

She is a person who thrives off of it and it seems to be like a record on repeat. We can tell her “Everything is ok. Just stay positive.” over and over along with other encouraging statements. You can only talk until you are blue in the face. I will always be there for her but why do people seem to think that the world should revolve around them? Why do they think they have get attention by people feeling sorry for them? It is really hard to want to be around them, unless maybe it is just me being selfish. I have no clue why sometimes it makes me mad when she continues to do this.

Sometimes it is best to try to turn the conversation around to something totally different that way you stay calm along with the other person. I have been doing that lately and it seems to help me calm down and not get angry with the situation.

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Grandmother’s Love

I do not talk about my grandmother very often because it is hard to think about all the good times without remembering she is no longer here with me. She was the most incredible women; loved all of her grandchildren and spoiled us to the core. My whole life changed on August 11 2007 and I will never forget that day. I felt like my world was over, my heart had been ripped out of my chest, I could not breathe nor could I move. She was suppose to come home that day but never made it off the opp-orating table.

Every time I look at her picture I smiling knowing she is looking down on us from heaven but it also brings tears remembering her. It only seems like yesterday that we were sitting in the living room watching our favorite movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. She would be laying on the couch combing her salt and pepper color hair, cigarette lite in the ashtray, while I am in the recliner eating popcorn. We would always watch movies and catch each other staring at the fish tanks sometimes.  She would keep zebra cakes or other sweets in the kitchen and every night we would eat one before we went to lay down.

Every year on my birthday I still wish she would call me. Every birthday around 6 am she would call and sing happy birthday to all of us I can still hear her singing it that one last time. She had the most beautiful voice and smile ever. I miss her more and more every day. I especially miss talking to her because no matter how many times we done things wrong she would never judge us and love us no matter what. We would make her mad at times but that’s what grandchildren do.

Her house always smelled like smoke because she was a chain smoker but now I find myself missing that smell and when I do smell smoke I think of her sometimes. It still hurts today as much as it did the day she left us. I know she is in a much better place looking down on us but I miss her hugs everything about her. I have talked to her while looking in the sky; I know she can hear me and I know she misses us also but nothing seems to ease the pain of her being gone. I loved her so much and never thought I would be without her. I wish I could go to heaven and talk to her and be with her all the time but I understand it is not my time to see her and one day I will. I just want to be able to tell her I love her and do things that we use to do together. I do not understand why God had to take her when he did. Why did it have to be her that day? Why couldn’t I have had more time with her?

A Dark Cry

I am sorry to my readers that I have been unavailable for a little while. As I previously wrote about my experience with my medical conditions; things have taken a turn so I have been unable to write. Now I find myself full of things on my mind but when I speak of them all I can do is shed tear after tear. No one understands what I am going through however my boyfriend is honestly the most incredible man who will hold me and help me through this long journey. I have another appointment next week so we will see what the Doctor has to say after this but it is hard to look at the bright side of things when all I have is disappointment when I look in the mirror.

I have been in so much pain and the swelling has gotten worse over the past few weeks. I now have a rather large spot on my leg that looks like someone burnt me and beat me. It showed up about a week ago but at that time it only looked like a rash then it kept getting worse. I know my condition causes my skin to do some rather weird things so to say but when I look down at my legs, my arms, or even in the mirror I just want to cry. Sometimes I feel running away would solve everything or never waking up but I know I would hurt many people so I could never do either of those things.

My hands hurt so bad that even picking up a pen to write a short letter or cut my boyfriends finger nails have become a challenge. My hands shake so bad that holding anything has even become a challenge. I drop smaller objects that I try to hold on to and larger objects are even more difficult. I am to the point that my life feels like it is over. Why? Why did all of this happen to me? I could never be mad at God because I know he gives us the path he knows we can handle but sometimes I wish he could lead me down another path to help figure out this one I am on now.

 

A New Beginning

A child is a blessing from God that should be loved and protected. Some people are unable to be blessed with having a child and others continue to have them even if they do not want them. Thankfully many people adopt or foster them to give them a loving home and family they deserve. No one should ever take being able to have a child for granted.

My boyfriend and I are one of the only ones of our friends who do not have children. Right now it is not in the cards for us due to health reasons and we have other goals to accomplish before we bring another human being into the world. We believe in planning and trying to make sure we are able to care for this child and give him/her everything they need. It hurts us sometimes when we see others enjoying their children and having someone call you mom and dad. We know one day we will be blessed even if we can not physically have one of our own we have decided we will adopt. There are always children who need a home.

However, on the other hand we also see people every day who continue to have children and never take care of them, pawn them off on family and friends, or give them up for adoption because they want to have their freedom. Really? You should think about all of that before you have children. Yes they change your life but that does not mean your life has to end. To me if upsets me when I see people who have them just to have them but never spend time with their children.

I have a friend who is having a children with a younger guy and she believed if she had a child with him that he would stay forever; well he did not do that. She hasn’t even had the baby yet but through the whole relationship they were on and off; she would leave or he would kick her out. Not a stable home at all for a child. She did not plan for this baby, has nothing for her not even a pack of diapers and is only two weeks away from being due. She can not even take care of herself let alone a baby; guys and her body are more important then making sure she takes care of this baby. Why? How can people honestly think it is ok to be like this?

Remember just because you have a child with someone does not mean they will stay with you. Also do not have children if you do not want them or are willing to put them before anything and anyone in your life. I can honestly say my boyfriend is very understanding and supportive when it comes to our views on having a family. One day God will bless us with the best gift of all.

P.S. For now my boyfriend agreed to get me a fur baby!!! Can’t wait to show everyone.

A Picture of Pain.

I have to force myself to get up everyday, motivate myself to take one more breathe. Every day I see people who run, jump, live a normal life, have a family and children; me, I am waking up everyday thankful the Lord gave me another day. Unless you have been in my shoes you do not understand how living with a chronic illness can effect you. Fighting each day for pain to ease, being able to have a normal life. I was diagnosed with Scleroderma, Fibermyalgia, and R.A. when I was 21 years old. Just when your life should begin mine was taken from me.

I had the perfect figure, did sports in school, always going and doing with my friends; then I graduated started becoming an adult when all of a sudden my world turned upside down. I started gaining weight and the pain was something I had never felt before. No one understood, no one could figure it out. Doctor after doctor, test after test, nothing until one day a doctor walked in and saved my life. Unfortunately when he verified what illness I had he let me know it was nothing to take lightly to. It was an autoimmune that could not be cured. We could slow symptoms down as best we could but I would have flares and this would be my life.

For five years I have been in chronic pain swelling daily and not being able to work or function to have a normal or even half way normal life. I found someone who loves me for me and that was the best feeling but even though he supports me he never understands how it changed me. I have had to take chemo injections and  I am continuously on pain medication just to get through the day. The past few months things have gotten really bad and it makes it hard to even get out of bed or want to wake up. I became very depressed and confused.

However sometimes all of that does not hurt nearly as bad at the looks people give me and the judgement. Unless you are willing to research to even try to understand you have no right to do any of that. You do not realize how a small glance at someone can hurt so bad or how a few words can feel like a knife. I live every day with this, I have to think twice about being outside because it burns and hurt extremely bad, I have to think twice before I can go anywhere or be around people because I get sick easily. So before you judge walk a mile in my shoes then your picture perfect life will no longer be; you will have a picture of pain with an understanding.

An Ongoing Fight.

I know every couple has ups and downs. Everyone fights or argues but what is so important that no one can come to an understanding? When I got with my boyfriend I had known him for years but we lost touch after we graduated. I know people change; I had definitely changed from when we were in school. I knew he had flaws just like I did but no matter what we agreed to work through anything.

In the beginning of our relationship things were perfect. He had time with his friends and we both worked during the day, then we at nights that were our nights with no one else. It was great because he had his own time and so did I. Of course we both spoiled the other one in the beginning because that’s just how things work but as the relationship went on we began to argue a lot. He felt he didn’t have enough time with his friends but when he did go out all I did was bitch and complain, according to him.

However, I felt like I never got time with just him and I and he was never home. When he came home from work he would either leave with his friends, be on the phone the whole night with them, or they would be coming over to the house. How were we ever suppose to have him and I time? To him because we live together and he came home every night, we slept in the same bed, that he was spending time with me. That was not how I saw it at all. I would try to explain my feels but I felt he never understood or would get aggravated and walk away.Later I realized he is just not a confrontational person at all. He was so use to his ways for years before I came along and was not use to a serious relationship that he did not know how to handle the situation.

We sat down and tried to work things out where we would have our nights, with no one around, and we would have nights apart. That way we both compromised, however I still feel I am giving for than receiving. I do anything and everything for him, do not get me wrong he does things for me all the time also, however when it comes to bills, being an adults, or responsibility he will avoid it or begin an argument until I give up. Why is it so hard for him to understand and try to work things out? Why can he not see how bad it hurts me when he talks to me in ways that hurt? I am confused every day and I feel like it is an ongoing fight that will never be resolved.

You are beautiful.

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Most women believe they are not beautiful but you are. For the past six years I have be insecure and hated my body. I wore baggy clothes, didn’t do my hair and makeup all the time, and hated to be around people. Everyone who past me would stare or make faces and I was sick of being asked on a daily basis if I was pregnant. No one knows what battles you face and no one has ever walked a mile in my shoes. I was diagnosed with health issues but I didn’t post them all over social media or tell everyone I knew because if I couldn’t handle my emotions I did not want to feel worse about them. Even after all this time I still sit back and wonder why this all happen. The feelings that hurt deep down because no one understands or believes your pain. A health issue, heartbreak, lose of someone, there are many things in life that affect us all differently. And in the end we all feel alone like no one cares or no one will listen. I am not the kind of person who enjoys speaking to a therapist, first off they are paid to listen and say their opinion but have they ever went through the things you have? When I began to blog and express my emotions even through quotes on facebook, when people became to like and comment I realized I am not alone. There are others who feel the same way I do. There are others who feel alone. But now, you are not.

A deep breathe.

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Why? What did I do? Questions I continue to ask myself all the time. I love my boyfriend with all my heart but it is so aggravating when he works all day and comes up eats and falls asleep. However, if his friends call or he plans something with them before he even gets home he will be wide awake and stay out all night with them. No matter how hard I express how I am feeling, to him I am just bitching and complaining. What else can I do? I give him space, I try not to text him when he is with the guys, and I tell him to go have fun. It honestly makes me feel like he can not stand to be around me. He tells me he loves me and would never leave me but it has been two years and things go from really awesome to being depressed every few months. Its like a roller coaster. I try to show him affection and please him as much as I can but it is hard to want to have sex when someone doesn’t show you the same affection. I put on a smile and pretend everything will be fine but deep down it hurts like hell. I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me and I do know he loves me. We have known each other a very long time and he is truly the most generous guy you will ever meet. But why do I feel like I am alone even when he is next to me?